By Corinne Flax

November 8, 2005

Unalienable Rights And Apartments With Enough Light

I'm going to go run a bunch of errands. But first I want to make a list of things that I want to do in the next two months. Let's call these goals and priorities.

Here's the list

1. Find An Apartment

2. Sell My Car

3. Make a photo album of the last year.

4. Make at least three mixes to play on my MP3 player.

5. Get my room organized and packed up.

6. Write two short stories.

Well it doesn't seem like that big a list really. It hardly seems difficult at all. There's only six things on it. Hmmm. Makes you wonder why I complain about being busy all the time. I guess busyness is all a matter of perspective.

I've really started the apartment hunt today, actually making phone calls and talking to people. The only things is, a lot of places want immediate move ins, and I am not going anywhere until January 1 st . I talked to a nice guy named George who's subletting an apartment in Bedford Stuyvesant from January 10 th till August. This would be an awesome place to live, and the price is right. Unfortunately this apartment not really near anywhere I need to be, and it's not near anywhere my sister needs to be. It sound really pretty though, and like I said the price is right. So I'll follow through on it, just to see what happens.

Did you know that it's election day today? I didn't. It came as a total shock to me. My friend T said "You've already voted today, right?" Sadly my reply was something along the lines of "huh?" But don't fear, I'm going to get off my duff and cast a ballot. Even though I don't know anything about my local candidates, even though I think that most of politics is just smoke a mirrors, I will be voting today. Despite the fact that voting is a private affair I'm going to tell you how I'm going to vote. Strictly Democrat, with the exception of a friend's mother who is a Republican and who holds some local position of authority. I always vote for Andrea Light if she's on the ballot, because I know her and trust her. She wouldn't do me wrong, despite her political affiliations.

Half the time I don't see the difference between the two parties anyway. This is trite and stupid of me to say, I know, but it's the truth. I try and listen to the political rhetoric and all I hear is the sound of wind and empty promises. My involvement is so minimal that it seems hypocritical of me to complain about the way things are going, or cast a ballot to try and effect the outcome of the election. Whatever doubts I have about the validity of politics, the effectiveness of my vote, or the meaning behind the voting process one fact remains; I will vote anyway. It is my right, unalienable, and I will not miss out on it.

One final note; my father has been hiding the left over Halloween candy from me. Fie on you father! Your unscrupulous hoarding of candy will bring you no joy, only pain.

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November 3, 2005

But Seriously

I have never been particularly good at waiting. I've been told it's because I have ADHD, also that I may be a bit immature and unable to take the long view of things. What it all really boils down to is the fact that I don't enjoy waiting around all that much. I'm not sure I know anyone who really likes waiting, I just find that in comparison to most people I seem to have shorts rope when it comes to tedium. One thing I know for certain, it's easier to wait for something if you're waiting with someone. Waiting alone is not only boring, it's lonely.

Obviously I'm thinking about waiting because of my college applications. I've gotten confirmation from two places that they received my applications, but one of those confirmations was automatically generated by my sending in my application electronically. Confirmation of reception isn't exactly what I'm looking for right now anyway, and it is a poor sop for my nerves.

Life of course goes on around my anxieties. Yesterday I worked, today I will work, and tomorrow as well. There are places to go, things to do, people to talk to. Today is the last day I've given myself before I start looking for an apartment, also the last day before I start gingerly looking at ways of selling my car. This whole time I've known the car would have to go, I just didn't realize how sad that would make me. It's a daunting task, selling a car, and I find myself emotionally attached to my Honda in a way I had not anticipated possible. Can I really have feelings for something that runs on gasoline? Apparently the answer to that is yes.

I'm nervous about selling the car for another reason as well. I am a woman, and women don't always do so well dealing with car salesman. Now I know that this is a stereotype, that many many women are fantastic at buying and selling cars. Tons of women even work in dealerships, so they obviously know what they're doing. Unlike these educated aggressive women I have no idea what I'm doing. When I bought the car in the first place I spent to much money on it. My mother and I went out to do it, neither of us knowing really what we were about. We did get the dealer to take $1000 off the sticker price, but I now realize that if we'd persisted we'd have gotten more. I also know that the dealer talked a lot of trash to us, and that we ate it up with a smile and a spoon.

So now I'm going to try and navigate not only the world of used cars, but also the world of NYC apartments, all of which has me a little scared. Not that I am without guile or street smarts, it's just that they are not completely developed in me. I'd much rather just be able to deal forthrightly and honestly with the world around me, but I'm fairly sure this is a bad idea. One time I watched my friend talk a meter maid out of putting a ticket on my car. I knew I'd never have even thought of trying that, that I'd just have taken the ticket and dealt with it.

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November 2, 2005

Well, It's Wednesday

Well it's Wednesday, and that's always a good thing. I made my deadlines, got all my applications sent out right on time and everything. All I had to do was drive my sorry ass down to New Jersey so that I could make sure that my advisors did everything just right. Then I overnight expressed the whole shebang to my colleges. Done and done. I suppose I should feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I guess in a way I do. Of course now there's the waiting. The waiting is, as Tom Petty has said, the hardest part.

So now I'm waiting and I suppose that means now I've got lots of time to do all the ten million things I've been putting off. To start with I'm paying all my bills today. Phone and credit card have been taken care of, now it's time for medical expenses. Well actually it's time to write this blog, and then eat lunch, and then pay my medical bills.

Can you believe I actually had to drive to New Jersey ? I can't. It's already done and I can't believe I did it. I almost cried when I realized that half my recommendations were lost in the mail, and the others were sealed in nameless envelopes. Anyway, enough about that.

I'm absolutely terrified that I'm not going to get into any of the schools I applied to. As my advisor so charmingly said to me, as she handed me my recommendation.

"You're just a number to them Corinne."

Chilling thought.

If I am to be just a number I hope I can be the number 9, because it is my favorite.

Back to the brass tacks. I'm going to pay my bills and air out my room. Try and shift the massive drifts of formal looking pieces of paper so that I can find my house keys. They are lost in here, somewhere, and I've got no clue where to find them. They're probably hanging out with my favorite pair of shoes and that book I was reading the other day that I just can't seem to find. It's all about the wormholes.

I'm sorry if this blog is fractured and odd, but I feel somewhat confused as to who I am trying to be today. Halloween was great, my applications are in, I still have a job, the weather is gorgeous, so what do I do now? I think the answer is probably lunch, followed by the bill paying, and then a hike.

Tomorrow is the first day I'm going to start looking for apartments, which should be interesting. Most of my friends who live in and around the city seem to change apartments like some people change their socks. I swear my friend T has lived in at least seven different places in the last year alone. For sure I need a little bit more continuity than that, and I'm sure my sister agrees. Tomorrow I'll write a better blog. Something more whimsical and fun, with less serious talk and boring recap.

There's something very important that needs to be said about walking through big piles of leaves and enjoying the swishing noises, but this is not the time for that.

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October 25, 2005

Double Space Case

This is ridiculous, I cannot figure out how to double space anything using the version of WordPerfect12 on my lap top. I have done everything I can think of, checked every single tab, gone through the help menu, closed my eyes and hoped for divine inspiration, and nothing has happened. I could ask someone to help me, but a) there is no one here, and b) I don't feel like calling computer aide just to get double spaces. The only problem is, I need to figure out this double spacing thing. ARG

The only solution I've hit upon is to send all my essays to my email, and then using my mother's computer to access them and reformat them. Which is really redundant. This, added to the fact that my parents have not turned on the heat yet so I'm freezing, my favorite hoodie reeks of coffee because I've been wearing it to work, and I'm having relationship issues all adds up to the fact that I am not a happy camper right now. Also I've got some serious PMS, I haven't finished putting together my Halloween costume, and I don't know exactly where I'm going for Halloween anyway. There's exactly one week till my applications are due, and one of my professors hasn't sent my recommendations out yet, nor is she answering her phone. I think next I should break out into some sort of really ugly itchy red rash, in order to completely annoy and upset myself.

Another intriguing thing, I've been looking at computer screens all day, and I just put my finger over a key on the key board and expected an informational bubble to pop up telling me what the key does. Man I must be seriously losing it today. Someone should come here and help me out, maybe give me a push or a hug or something. I used to always say I wished there was someone who sort of hung around in my head, who I could consult whenever I had problems or questions. Sort of like a multiple personality, but different. I feel like I may have already mentioned this desire in a previous blog, but I'm not sure. At any rate I wanted this little voice, this little helper voice so badly. Now I think that voice would drive me crazy, unless it knew how to double space.

There are so many copies of my essays floating around the house. Each one is slightly different from the next, and most are covered in pen marks and tea stains. I pile the used copies on a director's chair in my room. Eventually I'll throw them all out. For now they are sitting there, a silent reminder of what must still be accomplished. I sit here, my hands freezing, watching the light change outside, watching my words appear like magic on the glowing screen. I feel like everything is speeding up far beyond my wildest dreams, like I'm hurtling towards the horizon so fast my eyes are watering. I feel like nothing is happening, like I'll never get into any of these schools, like I'll be sitting here in this freezing cold house for the rest of my life.

Every minute of every day has become so precious and essential that I can't seem to get to the bank and deposit my pay checks. I've built up four of them now, and I've got bills that need to be paid. Somehow I have time to go to a friend's house after work and play Nintendo for an hour before going to bed. It's all about prioritizing.

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