By Amanda Halm

“There are many good fishermen and some great ones. But there is only one you.”

-Ernest Hemingway

My professor hated the “Old Man and the Sea.” because she claimed that Hemingway was sexist and most women could never relate to the machismo present in his stories. At first, I thought she was right, but then realized she probably was never head over heels, in an heart shattering, go all out chase for a love that could never be caught.

Before and during college, I chased boys and they actually ran. As sad as it was, I chased one guy through Jr. High, High School, and stopped chasing him right before college. Although, I dated sporadically through these years he always remained in the back of my mind as the biggest fish in the sea. I told myself over and over that if I could have him, I would be happy.

Ryan and I became friends when we were 11 because our moms worked as secretaries together at the same law firm. At 11 we enjoyed all of the innocence that the age offers. During sleepovers we made tents in the house, watched late-night infomercials, and played hide and go seek until the sun came up. At 15 we started going to concerts together and at 17, when he started playing guitar, I started going to see him his band.

It was love, but only from my point of view. Ryan was not attracted to me. He couldn’t see me, the way that I wanted him to, the way I needed him to. He saw me as a sister, a girl he could talk to, where as I wanted to be the girl to make him afraid of talking. I wanted to be the one that left him breathless and made him obsessed.

At 18, he fell as hard for someone else. The phone calls from him suddenly stopped. I finally called him one day, and the first thing he said was,

“Oh Mandee, I wrote you a letter. I have something really important to tell you.”

Before he could even say anything, I jumped in.

“I already know, you’re engaged, and by the way, you’re stupid.”
I knew before he even said it because I always felt a physic connection to him. We were that close. I also knew because of the way I watched all of my friends fall in love and they all were engaged around the same time.

I fell back into my closet and cried for hours. It would go down as the biggest heartache of my life. I then made a conscious choice that I would under no circumstances talk to him until I was in an entirely different place in my life. I wanted to move on. It was time to start college and everything had to be new. I had wasted years pining away for someone who didn’t love me the way I deserved.

I had freed myself. While releasing Ryan, I also released my braces, glasses, and long, Alanis Morrisette-eske hair. It was perfect timing because I was no longer limited to the guys in the small high-school pond.

By my third year in college, Ryan and I were on speaking terms again. He suffered through a breakup that would affect him for years to come. I couldn’t help feeling smug that someone had rejected him for once.

In college, I gained a lot more confidence because I didn’t have to fish for guys anymore. They starting fishing for me and it felt nice considering it was the other way around for years.

I couldn’t change my looks for Ryan. For a long time, I wondered why I couldn’t just be his girlfriend and what was wrong with me. I don’t wonder anymore. Junior year, my current beau came along and made me feel prettier than I ever felt before. Any guy worth catching has to add to your life, not drive you insane because he doesn’t want to be caught. The less someone acts like they aren’t into you, the more you’ll want to chase them. But why waste time trying to catch things that don’t want to be caught? The best fish will jump right into your lap when you aren’t even looking.

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